May 4, 2017

This past week I haven’t been to school for one day. Monday was the only day it was actually open, but I didn’t go. It was high school senior skip day and the guy I was starting to like came over. (His name is Daniel. Daniel is sadly my 27 year old engaged, manager. This might look bad but it didn’t start off this way.) 

I think he was half an hour late, but I think I snuck him in my moms house at 9:30-10am. We had sex, again. First we watched an episode of Forensic Files. I kinda figured sex would follow. Today, Thursday, I didn’t have school again because of the flooding in Missouri. Daniel came over again. He came through the front door, and I had to sneak him past my sister, Sara. I honestly felt bad. We talked for hours before we had sex again. Twice this week now. He came at 9:45 instead of 9, but I guess it was okay since I got time to eat breakfast.

This time he put …protection on. He deliberately brought a condom with him because he knew we were gonna do it! 

It’s been a little over 2 months since we started talking, and I kinda love him. I know when he says I Love You, I don’t think he means it. I think he’s just saying it to get into my pants. I mean first off, we don’t do any “couple” stuff. I know, I know it’d be hard and we simply cannnot. He already has a life and a kid (not biologically his of course tho). I just wish I stopped him from the very beginning. I was, but I just came back. This was before anything even happened. I always put a walk up to protect myself, and I want the wall to be rebuilt. It’s killing me inside. I’m constantly waiting for him to text. I always want to see him. 

I’m in love with the way he smells. I’m in love with the way he makes me feel. I’m always in a great mood around him. I know it’s probably because he took my virginity and he’s the only guy that I have started to open up to. Maybe, I just want him because I know he had a family and a fiancé. Maybe I just like wrecking people’s relationships, and then leaving them soon after. I’ve never really been in this situation so. I pretty much spent all day with him since I saw him at work afterwards. He is a sex addict, and that is the only reason he even layed eyes on me. I guess he assumed it would be fun getting me to fall in love with him. 

One night, hella early on in our “relationship” he texted me that him and Hannah (his fiancé) broke up. I found it hilarious because even then I knew he would never ever leave her and Dylan (son). He values family at the top of his priorities. I know he will even stay with her if he is truly unhappy. Their relationship is probably pretty strong, the only buffer seems to be sex. He likes to tell me otherwise though and his actions show he isn’t happy with her.

I wish he would talk to Nicole (our co-worker) about all his feelings, so I would know something. I already know how it is, but I don’t want to believe it. I know if I stop or continue, I am still eventually going to get hurt. He seems to keep giving me the option of leaving. I don’t know if he is going to feel guilty after all of this or not. I feel bad that he’s even in this situation, but he did start it all. He did the continuous flirting, and he kept bringing me back after I said we shouldn’t do anything. I think everyone at work people are starting to notice. I wonder what they think of me. Flirting with a taken man really? If only they knew the whole extent of it.  I know because of the Michael thing, they already look at me different. I feel like if this completely gets out, people are only going to blame me. Like I was the only one who did something wrong. Ugh, I love the way he smiles. I love the way everything smells when I’m with him. He accidentally left his tank here Monday, and Wednesday night, I put it into the washing machine. He kinda looked pissed when I told him, then later at work he asked if I was using Downy. I thought of allergies with certain detergents, but I assumed he’d be fine. I’m allergic to most detergents anyways. I probably have more sensitive skin and him. I don’t know though, he does have these weird dots on his body. I really want to write some more but I know I should go to bed. He’s not even responding to me so. 

Yippee, I’m going to Nicole’s house tomorrow, horror movies!! I kinda hope she asks about Daniel. My life really sucks at the moment. I know I’m just gonna die inside, and be the side sex chick.  It’s better than nothing I guess. I know at this time I can’t just leave. That’s probably what he says when he looks at his family. I don’t want to hang out with him every time in my room in the basement too. So far one day, one day only, we have hung out and didn’t do anything. He says it’s different, but actions show otherwise. I’m going to bed now. Ugh, Daniel Lee Valez why do you have to do this to me??!!

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